1 vs 2
Ones and Twos can appear similar because both have sets of rules that they expect others
to adhere to, and become upset and reactive when others do not follow those rules.
However, on closer examination, Ones have a far more rules and expectations than do
Twos, and their expectations cover a wider array of behaviors. For example, Ones often
have rules governing work style, work product, how things should be organized, how
people should behave in a variety of situations, dress codes that define what is
appropriate and inappropriate attire in a variety of circumstances, and more. Twos’ rules
are far more focused on interpersonal relationships and how people should treat one
another. Although Ones and Twos can both be self-critical and critical of others, most
Ones are more consistently self-critical than Twos—and also more overtly judgmental of
others. For example, the One’s “inner critic” or judge is activated eighty to ninety percent
of the time or more, whereas the Two’s criticism of self and others is less frequent and
more activated by highly distressing events like rejection and the perception of having
failed others.
Some may confuse Ones and Twos because both are dutiful and want to perceive
themselves (and have others view them) as “good” and “responsible.” However, Ones
and Twos have very different meanings for these words. Ones believe they are “good”
and, therefore, valued, if they do everything right and make few mistakes, and
“responsible” means they keep their commitments, do their work well, deliver it on time,
and are punctual. Twos believe they are “good” and, therefore, valued, if they are
thoughtful, considerate, and selfless, and “responsible” means they are always available
when others are in need and they don’t disappoint the people in their lives.
Ones and Twos are markedly different in many ways. For example, Ones speak
definitively, offer opinions, judgments, and ideas, and use language that suggests they are
evaluating people and situations—for example, Ones use words such as should, ought,
right, wrong, and appropriate with great frequency. Twos, by contrast, speak in softer
tones, ask questions of others to engage them and draw them into conversation, offer
advice frequently, and focus on others in a way that makes people feel important. While
Ones can be very warm, they are rarely as consistently warm and empathic as Twos.
A helpful way to understand the distinction between Ones and Twos is that while Ones
look internally to determine whether or not they have done a good job or made a mistake,
Twos are more highly affected by how others perceive them than by how they view
themselves. In other words, Twos have a strong inclination to perceive themselves
through the eyes of others rather than having a strong interior sense of how valuable they
are and how well they did something. While they may not directly solicit the opinions of
others regarding the merit of their work or behavior, Twos pay greater attention to the
nonverbal cues and interpersonal behavior of others and are far more affected by their posiitive
and negative relations.
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